What If It Crumbles?

Photo credits: Aishah Azash

I'm every bit scared about putting up my own business.

I don't know if I'll wake up one morning and regret wasting all my time, money and resources on a path that didn't succeed.

And then I'm scared that by that time I will have to work twice as hard....hustle twice as much....to catch up with those we started with.

A fear most of us won't admit is that of being left behind.

When you start a journey together but those you started with somehow make 10 strides ahead of you and you're still struggling with maintaing a straight spine in your own stride.

I've experienced this before.

In my first semester in campus years ago I didn't sit for my exams because I hadn't cleared my fees.

That would have been a common happening if I was into the semesters but this was my first. I had not been oriented into managing the glances,  questions, emotional outrage that comes with it. It's like losing your virginity through rape.

So I packed my bags, shared with one close friend about my leaving for home the next day, and at mid-morning,  I walked the walk of "shame" to the gate and later journeyed home.

And because the walk of shame comes with whispers, before I realized it, word had spread that "she hadn't even paid her fees imagine....now she has to drop out of school...poor girl....or maybe she's pregnant..."

Hehe....whispers!

Even so, I graduated a year later among most of those I joined with, and still with some of those who whispered ill of me....because God trusted me with a different script in the act called life. Story for another day.

A few years later I'm here holding a different script again.

Unlike most, I'm not eager for employment.

I'm not eager to report to work at 8am and leave at 5pm.

I'm not eager to subject my skills and creativity into something that, as tried and tested, does not give me fulfillment.

I'm looking into the subtle things that I draw fulfillment from and structuring them to be my source of income.

I've just started on this journey,  and the lessons I'm learning are that I needed to be employed to know if it's worth settling for.

I needed to feel intimidated to realize my strength stretch.

I needed to work under people to value humility and respect.

I needed to hate employment to create a more conducive and effective working environment for my employees.

Nevertheless (using this word makes me feel so smart...hehe), this path scares me.

I even took into researching and reading of entrepreneurs who have thrived and how long their journey took but that scared me the more.

Do I have that time?

Do I have the resilience?

Can I rise about the rejection when approaching clients?

Will I be able to pick up my broken pieces and rise again should the business fail?

Will I be accepted among those I hope to please?

Will I be able to laze in pyjamas, prepare pancakes, lace them  with honey, brew coffee for boo, and chocolate for the kids, and tea for me, sit with them then face them with my failure?

What about mama? Will her blood pressure rise when she learns that I'm miles behind my agemates where career progress is concerned? Will she be ok with me being the only child who doesn't help financially back home?

Will papa think any less of me?

What about me? Will I forgive myself for not choosing to be employed? For not choosing to wait for a monthly stipend like my mates? For pursuing a path less travelled?

But then again, which is worse? Trying and failing? Or not trying at all?

I'm just here working and praying for success.