It was a whirlwind of fantasies....

She fell deep asleep in a dreamland unknown to her. She longed for things only her desires could fathom the existence. It was a whirlwind of fantasies. A desire of things out of this world. She crawled to a world of uncertainties, a world where she thought she’s allowed to be herself in the deepest of ways. Who could ever carry this burden off her shoulder? Who could ever understand that there are those moments where she can be insecure, those moments where she can doubt, those moments where she too can be afraid? How else could she progress out of this if not by drifting into a world unknown?  Life plays games on the lives of many, but she wanted out. She desired acceptance. She desired some deep kind of love where one can be allowed to be and stay honest and not have to even sense of a coming day when it would all be dead and gone because she has been unraveled. How else can one love? She wondered! How else can one claim to truly love as Jesus did? How else can one claim this deep unconditional feeling if all we place on it are norms stated by those gone before us? Who is this who dares to be different? Who is this who can try love without victimizing the loved? She longed to live in this fairy tale she’s dreamt of all her life. She yearned for moments of epitomes of true expressions of desires unmet. Where it is not about sex…neither is it about how good she does or does not look…moments where her past does not have to be a constant reminder of how easy she behaved in her younger years in the search of approval. She remembers vividly the story of how her dad denied her on the day of her birth. She remembers with tears in her eyes how he left her to the mother that bore her on that hospital bed because for some reason he just didn’t want her. And even as she grows up she now understands why all her life she’s been seeking some sort of approval from the world…all because she was denied on the day of her birth. She swells up in lost glories and growing pains.

 

All the crowd screams is you gotta be strong! What if she’s tired of being strong? What if this time she truly needs someone that would love her and express it to her the same way that he did yesterday? What if all she ever really wanted is someone who would try not to conform to the damned spirit of familiarity and somehow choose to find reason to fall in love with her everyday? She knows she’s yet to see this human man…and she also knows, that the day he’ll walk by, it would be to take her down the aisle. She though, finds rest in knowing she’s got someone, who despite of his physical absence, somehow makes his presence felt in her life. She is not the kind that sits and awaits a prince charming to drop down from heaven like manna...NO! Even as she waits she's serving, she keeps her life in progress and her heart at the best of the glorious harmonious medley of the heavens and earth below singing 'How Great Is Our God!', as her soul gets satiated by its lover. She’s the kind of woman that has got the full package; she’s got the lover of her soul as she awaits the lover of her flesh. She's got the man that holds her all through the day and night as she awaits the man that will be kind enough to hold her through the night. The man that sees beyond her outward radiance.... to the beauty of her untapped glory. The man that loves her, simply because he wants to. This man she spends her breath on…is indeed the man her heart leans in to. No greater love has she found, than the one coming from the holder of soul, Jesus.

 

The diary of that girl in a woman....