Women as Pretty Vessels of Convenience

Men:

There's a select men who view women, like Maya Angelou in 'A letter to my Daughter' would have said it, as conveniently pretty vessels.

Not all women though. Only those that they'd love to pick and use for their convenience.

They call them, text them, invest in them, sex them and make them believe that they are heading somewhere. Then at a time that is, once again, convenient for them, they distance themselves.

These are the ones that have made the female species such a bile-filled lot.

Women:

But, worse still is the troop of women who view themselves as these vessels of convenience. Women who allow themselves to be picked and used for a man's thrive at the expense of their value.

They show up and represent. They don't believe that they can amount to anything more than a man's love and attention, a believe that this man now borrows. If that love is lacking then she descends on herself as the problem.

Women who are beautiful, intelligent, strong and powerful have allowed themselves to be thrashed by the lack of a man's love. They have questioned God, their destiny and their worth because no man assured them of the same.

I gracefully call these the enemies of self.

Me:

You may say it's easy for me to speak of such confidently because I have a man, but it even weighs on me the more because I have him.

I must constantly ask myself who I am and who I am to him.

I must not allow myself to get comfortable in his love. I must continually desire more for myself where self-respect, self-discovery, achievement and progress is concerned. Not be a present pretty vessel of convenience for him.

It is easy to get comfortable when a man has grown intentional about showing you that you are a woman of value and that his view of you is not just about being a wife and mother to his children. But it is the exposure to such knowledge that should empower me to grow as a person. And growth is not about marriage; marriage compliments growth not vice versa.

That said,I'm still all about walking down the aisle but not at all about sidelining my value. Mine truly told me today that he sees marriage as a beginning(read blessing) and not the ultimate to one's journey of life. I couldn't agree more.

This in itself communicates that I need to hold myself with such timeless esteem...such deep and innate value...such power...such elegance....and such beauty.

I'm at a place where I have more time in my hands to discover and rediscover my being, embrace my wholeness and share who I am with humanity.

The more I share myself, the more aware I've become of those that see me as a friend and those that look at me as a pretty vessel of convenience.

I have grown more aware of acquaintances who reach out to me when it's convenient for them but make themselves unavailable when need be.

I've become more aware that I must love humanity but I MUST as well extend this love to myself. Matter of fact,  in this love, and in all grace I can supply, should there ever be a need to shut out toxic relations that undermine my value by looking at me as a pretty vessel of convenience, I should match up to the occasion as a matriarch orcas.

It is such discovery that compels me to write a note to my mother, sister and daughter who have build my perspectives withholding nothing.

Mother, Sister, Daughter:

Thank you for being the epitome of grace, courage, forgiveness and love.

Thank you for showing me that I am a woman, not because of a man, but because I am created to fulfill my purpose of creation with womanhood as the propeller.

Thank you for showing me that I can balance relationships, gain success, embrace failure and accept accolades humbly.

Thank you for showing me that my worth is not in the vanity of beauty, but in the courage to rise.

Thank you for wisdom that is timeless and love that is truly unconditional.

Thank you for friendship that is deep, severe and amusingly brutal.

Thank you for being a mother, a sister, a daughter.

I pray that there are many of your kind in the world. And that as I continually mother young ones, biologically and not, I shall measure up to your sky standards.

It is mothers like you that allow women like me to realize our worth and preach it.

It is sisters like you that encourage women like me through the roughest.

Daughters like you who give women like me strength to keep going.

Women like you that give women like me the strength to walk away from that which will only degrade our value.

And as we rise, high above people's ‘pretty vessels of convenience’, teach us to hold other women’s hands on our way up. Teach us to show them they no longer have to bend over at their expense.

That as they awake every morning and go to bed every night, they should be able to remind themselves of their dignity no matter how shredded, faded or hopelessly intangible it may seem.

Leopard Beach Hotel, Diani Beach

What If It Crumbles?

Photo credits: Aishah Azash

I'm every bit scared about putting up my own business.

I don't know if I'll wake up one morning and regret wasting all my time, money and resources on a path that didn't succeed.

And then I'm scared that by that time I will have to work twice as hard....hustle twice as much....to catch up with those we started with.

A fear most of us won't admit is that of being left behind.

When you start a journey together but those you started with somehow make 10 strides ahead of you and you're still struggling with maintaing a straight spine in your own stride.

I've experienced this before.

In my first semester in campus years ago I didn't sit for my exams because I hadn't cleared my fees.

That would have been a common happening if I was into the semesters but this was my first. I had not been oriented into managing the glances,  questions, emotional outrage that comes with it. It's like losing your virginity through rape.

So I packed my bags, shared with one close friend about my leaving for home the next day, and at mid-morning,  I walked the walk of "shame" to the gate and later journeyed home.

And because the walk of shame comes with whispers, before I realized it, word had spread that "she hadn't even paid her fees imagine....now she has to drop out of school...poor girl....or maybe she's pregnant..."

Hehe....whispers!

Even so, I graduated a year later among most of those I joined with, and still with some of those who whispered ill of me....because God trusted me with a different script in the act called life. Story for another day.

A few years later I'm here holding a different script again.

Unlike most, I'm not eager for employment.

I'm not eager to report to work at 8am and leave at 5pm.

I'm not eager to subject my skills and creativity into something that, as tried and tested, does not give me fulfillment.

I'm looking into the subtle things that I draw fulfillment from and structuring them to be my source of income.

I've just started on this journey,  and the lessons I'm learning are that I needed to be employed to know if it's worth settling for.

I needed to feel intimidated to realize my strength stretch.

I needed to work under people to value humility and respect.

I needed to hate employment to create a more conducive and effective working environment for my employees.

Nevertheless (using this word makes me feel so smart...hehe), this path scares me.

I even took into researching and reading of entrepreneurs who have thrived and how long their journey took but that scared me the more.

Do I have that time?

Do I have the resilience?

Can I rise about the rejection when approaching clients?

Will I be able to pick up my broken pieces and rise again should the business fail?

Will I be accepted among those I hope to please?

Will I be able to laze in pyjamas, prepare pancakes, lace them  with honey, brew coffee for boo, and chocolate for the kids, and tea for me, sit with them then face them with my failure?

What about mama? Will her blood pressure rise when she learns that I'm miles behind my agemates where career progress is concerned? Will she be ok with me being the only child who doesn't help financially back home?

Will papa think any less of me?

What about me? Will I forgive myself for not choosing to be employed? For not choosing to wait for a monthly stipend like my mates? For pursuing a path less travelled?

But then again, which is worse? Trying and failing? Or not trying at all?

I'm just here working and praying for success.

The Daughter of an Absent Father

Photo credits E.M 

This world is unkind to the daughter of a failed husband and an absent father. Unkind because it is the likes of such that suffer from low self esteem. It is this kind that fall for men who are just like their fathers because a part of them desires that a man like her father would do better by her.

We are the kind of girls that are hard to love because insecurity haunts as close as a shadow.

We are afraid of silence because when our fathers were silent it meant that mum would be in her room crying and we would be indulging in some 'stuff' to divert our attention.

It gives us chills when a man, without even asking, wants us to prove ourselves, because we forget our worth and are inclined to live in pretense just so that we can be accepted.

To us achievements are a big deal because it is not only accorded on our portfolio but it goes a long way, maybe a mile longer than the normal girl, to reassure us of our value.

When you love a girl whose been broken by her father, you take the responsibility of not only loving her but signing a covenant to continuously reassure her of her beauty, her worth and her ability to thrive.

When you take her in as a friend you sign yourself up to boring and unending insecurity tales and self loath.

When the daughter of a failed husband and an absent father loves you she is relentless. She clings and threads on you because she sees you as all she's got. And because we love too hard we break twice as much.

She wants to hear from you daily. She aches for your compliments, your company is her gulp of water in a dry land. She desires all of you and gives all she's got because she figures that this opportunity may never trace it's way back.

This kind of child suffers from personality extremes of either being the loudest or the most quiet in a room because her father's absence is the voice clogging her system. Have you ever been called out by silence? It's like a demon's voice as you run home on a lone stretch…..deafening!

Our kind at times gets compensated by clatter of money and spoils but that doesn't cut across. There's this other lot that is not quite bred into moving from one end of CBD to the other in a kawaida taxi….or dining at the kawaida KFC….or swimming at the Hilton rooftop….or lounging at Wet Lounge. We are not even used to simple gifts from a man who is not in the 'friend-zone'..y'all know men in this zone never tire with gifts...hehe

And so when such gestures are extended to us they are a whole lot of a great deal. Hell we even get attached to the gestures and forget to reason critically as to whether or not we should give you our time.

Then there are those of us who go on a sex spree thinking that it's the libido that answers all our life's questions.

In life we are the kind who may feed from a rich man's bread crumbs because our worth is never fully reassured…..or settle for a degrading status because no matter how well achieved we are, we still don't see ourselves as enough.

All that mentioned, there's still a revolution of us being groomed. A modification of those who are learning to rise; and we are doing it gracefully.

We are learning to live for the small things because we've not been brought up to miss the details of a life's journey.

We are showing love in little acts of kindness and receiving it with cautious openness because we know how vulnerable we can be.

We are learning to first reason with our minds then sync it with our emotions; because no matter how gullible we can get, one must love with the heart, at least once. Loving not with the heart, is not living at all.

We have learnt to find our place in the ecosystem, to serve our purpose in the chain and to thrive in our passions.

We are learning to recognize what gives us fulfillment and what doesn't, just so that we can be happy in living out our joys.

What we do, we do it thoroughly because it's the only way life has been served to us.

We are rising...in confidence we are growing...and in happiness we are blooming!

We are out here giving hope, sharing testimonies, and even writing our stories over office lunch hours.

We are speaking out so that a father may read this and do better by their wives and children, and so that a daughter may read this and know that she's never alone.

judycngeno@gmail.com is my email. Share your story :) 

The truth is not for everyone...

“No one wants to hear everything that’s in your head. They just want you to live up to what comes out of your mouth,” shared one Adam Grant, a New York Times writer.

When you and most of your friends are not on the same location your chats always revolve around the question “what’s happening in your life now?” and if the majority of them are girls then the question “you’re still with Mr. X?” is what concludes the just beginning conversation. There’s almost always everything to fuss about with the presence or absence of the significant other.

With this is mind I realized that lately I’ve found myself giving rehearsed answers to these two most frequently asked questions. Answers revolving around

“I’m well kabisa!!!”

“Nothing new imagine..”

“It’s been same old you know..”

“Boyfie is good….this family of two is keeping on. We are yet to kill each otherJ”

And to those I want to flatter I plus more non-sensical statements. (Fortunate Magara don’t take offense…hehe)

But if I were to answer that question genuinely, a pinch of my answers would have been:

“My level of indecision is worrying. I can’t quite decide whether I should keep entertaining the thrill that comes with the Kenyan elections or get seriously concerned about the alarming fear of an oncoming violence brought about by self-centered leaders and a good number of hooliganistic supporters.”

“Lately I’ve stepped into clubs less times than I thought I ever would….OK more times that you’d think I would. I now know which wine I like…..how to serve beer into a glass….how to dance to a few songs….and that shisha actually smells like something that should be on the fresh juices menu despite the health risks it presents."

 “work…..well my boss has grown strange…I can’t tell when he’s actually mad that my feet hardly land on the floor when I’m sited or genuinely pissed that I came a second later than my reporting time.”

“And then there’s this lady by the name Ciru Ngugi on Facebook……” I do not wish to exhaust my lesbian quota yet…..but daammmnnn!!!!

Truth is if all of us were to genuinely speak what’s in our mind the world would either stop revolving for a minute or revolve twice as fast in that one minute….simply because heaven will have a reason to historically document this for the generations to come.

The truth is somehow the cause of all that’s evil in this world. Because when humans can’t handle the truth we resolve to do what suits our weak selves.

Most humans don’t even have the capacity to handle it.

We feel condemned, betrayed, judged, misconstrued, victimized, broken, wrecked (list down all the synonyms that soothes how the truth makes you feel) by it.

We just don’t have the fiber for it. We can’t deal!

Winston Churchill once stated, “Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”

And you wonder why we still need grace to go through life even after we’ve accepted Christ.

The truth is not for everyone…..it is for a few who choose to live dependent not on fellow man, but trusting that there’s something bigger than life that we patiently hope for.

Truth is for those who have the courage to face rejection.

Truth is for those who like Christ do not concentrate much on how long they live, or how they’ll die, but on how to impact humanity till eternity within three years of ministry.

Truth is for those who can forgive a cheating spouse….

Accommodate rapists….

Accept people’s unorthodox sexual conducts….

Dine with those who have robbed us of our loved ones….

Help those who have raided us….

Share a roof with those that have infected us….

Laugh with those that hold a different political view from us….

Still love the all glammed up mama who farts in her sleep….

Still love the same man who disappoints you like this is all he's created for…

Treasure the children that fail us…

Respect the parents that were better of absent….

Adore siblings who have left us shuttered…

Attend to employers that have wasted us…

For those who can forgive themselves for mistakes they live regretting…

And so if you’re still in the category of “if you/I do this I’m done with what we have” then truth ain’t for you.

A good friend once told me that the truth is absolute!!! It does not vary to suit our circumstance or opinions.

It does not even have double standards. You can only be on either side of the divide.

Photo credit S.B

Well…when I examine myself….I’m still on the bridge towards truth…

MWANGA'S "We Will Rule" Album Launch: Do not miss out on what the Lord is doing in this season!!

I remember this day like the first and last time I witnessed an ultra sound, that moment when I witnessed my nephew take little breaths of life. My world stood still for a moment, my world stood still people!

And so this day when Mwanga had their first album launch, as most of us stood still in the presence of the Lord, in that auditorium, nothing could have possibly convinced us that God does not exist.  He was alive, right there among us, just like he was in the little breaths of life my nephew was taking in that womb.  

This was in 2014 during the release of their debut album by the name "God of Flavor", the year the Lord was restoring all that the devil was taking from me. Some of y’all may not even understand these terms I’m throwing here today but you just seek a moment in the presence of God…..all those fallacies that atheists talk about will vacate premises! Shift houses kabisa!

I’ve never really looked at myself as the straight up Christian who's perfect and all, but in the presence of God I’m like a hopeless romantic. I just give in and loose it! I stand there like a child, utterly helpless!!

In the presence of God is when all guards break loose. This is where you forget about your little achievements that make you feel a little better than others in a crowd. This is when the man or woman you love stands beside you insignificantly. This is when your guilty pleasures that have been striking you with endless guilt somehow tend to stand way behind you as you take in God’s presence. 

This is when you stand amazed at a God so good! A God so merciful! A God so gracious! A God whose wholeness you can’t fathom because even the greatest thoughts you have of who He is can’t describe him in the most subtle of ways.

This God of ours!

This God of ours exists! He exists whether we acknowledge it or not! And in Mwanga’s ‘We Will Rule’ album launch there’ll be a most plausible opportunity for us to experience Him once again. Here is "We Will Rule" Trailer 2016

Most of us go to God for all sorts of reasons. Others simply because they desire to grow in their relationship with Christ….but others, where the majority of us are categorized, we just go to God because of our helplessness. We go to God for redemption, for restoration, for reconciliation. We go to God to confess about our sinful nature. We go to God to tell Him about what burdens us. To tell him about our sexual misconducts, our hell-condemned escapades, our failures, our fears…..and mainly we go to God because He is the only one we can be true to. He’s the only who allows us to feel that despite how irredeemable our lives have been, He’d still consent for us to come before Him and worship Him. We go to God for victory! We go to Him to rule again! 

The opportunity to take back what the devil has stolen from us is here again! Let’s show up, let’s be there in numbers. Gather everyone, even the person sited next to you in that PSV. Let them know that here is an opportunity for us to worship. Here is an opportunity to stand naked and yet be most covered. In worship is where truth sheds off everything on and in you and covers you with the Holy Spirit.

There will be a Premier For the "We Will Rule" Album on the 2nd of June 2016 at the Westgate Mall from 6PM-9PM. Moreover the Album Launch will be held at the Parklands Baptist Church on the 5th of June 2016.

I do not want to miss out on what the Lord is doing in this season. I need a lot of Jesus…..and so I’ll make me available. I’ll go for this launch just as I am, you should too!

Having a "sponsor" or not is an entitled choice for a lady to make

“Sponsor” talks are making rounds on social media like a blazing Australian forest fire!!

Most folks are busy siring opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong: On what’s the moral. And a good percentage of that gang want their opinion to receive the seal of “the most right opinion of the discussion”.

I hear them! I even see them! I mostly see how they are quick to judge these women for sinning differently from them…smh!

I didn’t want to react….buuuuuuuttttttttt, who am I to resist??

So here I am, I’ll share my two cents…

As humans we were given the ability to choose whatever we want to do with our lives. 1 Corinthians 10:23 says that “Everything is allowable, but not everything is profitable. Everything is allowable, but everything does not build others up.” Our choices, independent of what has influenced them, are entirely ours to make. Independent of who gets affected, for as long as it is in line with the law of the land in which you call yourself a citizen, it is for us to decide what works for us. KEEPING IN MIND THAT NOT EVERYTHING IS EVENTUALLY PROFITABLE, and therefore this means that we eventually have to live with the consequences of our choices. 

If one chooses to have a sponsor, by all means they should do it big and thrive while at it.

If one chooses to remain celibate, let nothing hold them back.

If being gay is your most desired sexual preference, then by all means seek thee he or she that has the same interest and enjoy the boat ride.

Whichever way we choose to please ourselves sexually, for as long as the LAW OF THE LAND PERMITS, and the FAITH YOU SUBSCRIBE TO ALLOWS IT, then let not the voices of anyone outside your system stop you.

Most of us want those existing in the earth’s ecosystem to do as our core believes would have us do. We want other people to behave as our conscience, preference, and even choices would have us do.

But really, they are entitled to the same freewill given unto us. We speak against other people trying to impose their faith and beliefs on us, especially us Christians, but we’re in most cases the first to impose what we think is right on others. WHY DON’T WE LEAD BY LIVING CHRIST-LIKE LIVES THROUGH OUR ACTIONS BEFORE MAKING OUR OPINIONS ON OTHER PEOPLE’S CHOICES?

It is not a lack of love, to allow people, even those closest to us, to do as they please. It is actually the greatest sense of love to accept them as they are. We should instead caution them on the consequences of their actions, aggressively share why they should choose otherwise (according to our sense of wisdom), preach to them what we believe is the TRUTH, BUT STILL ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE.

What is defined as the lack of love is to do nothing about their choices. SILENCE IS HATRED!

Not being silent however does not translate to condemnation. Condemnation has never been the way to reverse another person’s choices.

Photo courtesy of google.com

So, if a lady chooses to have a sponsor, if you know her and don’t agree with her choices, and YOU’RE TRUE TO THEM (leave alone these social media humans filled with self-righteousness and bile over what does not suit their beliefs), then with love strongly caution them on why they shouldn’t pursue that path.

What I should add though is that we live in a world where one man’s meat is another’s poison.

Just as you’re ready to caution, be ready to get cautioned over your own choices; even those you believe in strongest!  

My conversation with a Cancer Survivor

Recently, a good friend from campus saw it fit to nominate me for a cancer awareness selfie challenge for 10 days. I was not particularly consistent because, oh well, one can’t afford to be online 7 days a week consecutively….I mean, Uhuru said we need to build the nation!

Anyway, while at it, Lynn Mutakale, a very heartwarming go-getter made a comment on one of my posts telling me about how she survived cancer.

Because the writer in me felt the need to capture that in writing, I had to engage her in a chit chat.

Her story is the story of a few women who were conscious enough to get themselves checked whenever they observed some discrepancies with their health. However, there are many (and maybe you are among them...or a girl you know is among them), who are not keen enough to note the changes or discomfort in our "Victoria's secret". We can prevent spending millions on medical bills, putting time into pay bills, or worse still watching our loved ones agonize in pain as we lie helpless on hospital beds. 

I besiege all of us therefore to take up the Cancer Awareness challenge and let your social network know that we can all beat cancer! 

This is how it went down….(Disclaimer: we did a lot of aimless laughing while at it...just because we can..hehe) 

The beautiful Lynn Mutakale

My conversation with a Cancer Survivor:

Me: heeeyyyyy

Lynn: Hey!!

Me: Will now be a bad time for you to share about your cancer victory??

Lynn: Hahaha not at all. How would you like to do this?

Me: Hehe....right here should be fine

Let’s chat up about it

Begin from anywhere (tongue emoticon)

Lynn: Hahaha okay let’s start with a disclaimer, I was found to have pre-cancerous cells in my cervix that put me at a high risk of cancer developing.

Me: Disclaimer noted...

Lynn: Secondly it has been about 3 months of medication and doctor visits but now I am clear of the cells, but still undergoing studies for evaluation.

So... I will redirect you to my blog. Read it first then from there I can answer more questions that you may have regarding the same is that okay??

Me: that's OK...please post the link here for me

Lynn: https://reneemutakale.wordpress.com/2016/04/18/my-battle/

There you go.

Me: great! Thanks! Will get back to you

(After a few mins...)

WWWWOOOWWW!!!

OK...lemme first comment as a writer, you can write madam Mutakale!!!! (The African instincts in you....haha)

That was a good read

Lynn: Hahaha I am humbled. Very humbled thank you

Me: Then now as a fan and audience, that was very inspiring!!!!

now mamas need to get that pap smear yo!!!

Lynn: Haha mafans!! Gosh Judy slow down. You will make this head grow big.

Me: hehheee.....

and then I got a mention in your blog....hehhee

I have made it in life!!! *happy dance*

anyway, what more would you like me to add as I write down as part of your story.....now that it's all written down ... hehehe

Lynn: Hahaha. Anything more you would like to add I am willing to give. I doubt I would miss a bit of royco or kachumbari to make it better.

Me: hehhe.....lemme just work with what you've given

Should I need more I already know where to find you J J

Lynn: Fantastic!

Chat Conversation End